This morning I’m laying on my couch and staring at the ceiling, each stain and crack already memorised from past sessions. This time my mind isn’t stressed; it isn’t running around in circles, banging into things. This time my mind is peaceful. Which is surprising since I have my final exams tomorrow (hey Char; remember last year when the world tricked you into believing you were ready? But in fact you weren’t even close; your brain just didn’t want to make an effort anymore.) This time my mind is calm, and all I can think about is you. At first I told myself I was going too fast. I’d just been messed around with and this was just one more time when I thought it would be funny to take a chance, throw my heart off the top of a building. That sort of thing. It’s so like me. But when I got up on the roof to throw my heart, it didn’t feel quite right. My feet stood on the edge, my hands clutched tightly, I had second thoughts. Maybe this time I could give it to you instead. Give you the rights to my so called “love” or whatever that annoying thing is.
You just have to sign the papers here, please.
So as I lay there I began to imagine what it would be like to see you asleep. Not in a creepy-standing-at-your-window-breathing-heavily way. But in a curious, comfortable way. I let my mind wander, as in my head my fingers wander over your sleeping features. Wander over every curve, every lash, and every bone, unable to believe that I’d never noticed how amazing you were, until now. It’s as if one silent couch session had changed my complete out-look on having someone else in my life to love.
But lying on my couch, my eyes closed, I began to feel those feelings be pushed aside again, forcing myself to believe I would never be good enough for you. The way you see the world, they way you handle each situation you’re put in…even the way you don’t turn to drugs when things get hard; I’m not like that at all. You are something I could never be, but just by knowing you, I can be a better person.
And believe me I want to be, I want to be a better person, for you mostly. Because you deserve everything you want, you deserve everything great. I want to be jealous of everyone you spend time with; because that’s one less moment I get to spend with you.
I want you to be able to trust me, and I want to be able to trust you. I want us to look at each other and know that every secret we keep together is safe, that every kiss is only ours. I want you to be able to tell me anything, no matter how weird or confusing it is. I want to give you anything and everything.
Maybe there’s just shit in the ceiling that’s getting me high, but I’m pretty sure this is real.
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bertitches) wrote,
